#9 Wearing baseball caps sideways with butt crack pants. If I want to see that, I’ll call my plumber.
#8 Wearing skintight pants and stilettos when you are older than J-lo – or… how about NEVER. It just isn’t a fashion statement, unless you’re leaning on a lamppost sometime after midnight and the guy you’re with is named “John.”
#7 Decorating absolutely EVERYTHING with sequins and crystals. Costumes – okay. Eye glasses a la Elton John, cell phone covers, iPads and laptops…diapers (yes, you read this correctly) – not okay. Really not okay. Even Dug the Dog in “Up” would be on “Shiny Things” overload.
#6 Big hair, especially when combined with #8, and most specifically when sitting in front of you at an event where you miss half the performance and all you want to do is whip out a pair of garden sheers to create a view plane.
#5 “Speaking in Tongues,” aka: Babbling in slightly louder than a whisper about things unrelated to the situation at hand while thoroughly annoying everyone around you – or worse – virtually shouting out intimate and occasionally graphic details of health related issues being experienced by you or a loved one where everyone around you can take notes, assuming they were even the slightest bit interested. (Unfortunately, I have resembled this remark a few times in the past three weeks and to everyone who had to tolerate my venting, I sincerely and humbly apologize).
#4 Going into large crowds – including arenas, planes, trains and buses – without proper attention to hygiene. No embellishment needed here, just a shower and some deodorant.
#3 Yelling at a crying baby like it is going to make them stop. Really?
#2 Yelling in hotel hallways late at night or very early in the morning, unless there is a fire or some other compelling reason you want me to join you.
#1 Talking about people in derogatory terms while within earshot of others. You never know who is sitting nearby, overhearing your conversation about their child. Certainly, you are entitled to your opinion, but so am I. That’s why I’m blogging about you now – you uneducated, narrow-minded, big-haired, 50-something, stiletto wearing, bejeweled, loudmouth with the butt-crack showing husband and the crying grandchild who was also staying down the hall from me in my hotel and rattling the walls early in the morning, and not in a good way.
There. I said it.
I feel better now. Thank you for your understanding.